Artemis Fowl Parody
by Riquez Oro
Summary: A rare narrative writing style known as Lascivio. It's a parody. What else am I supposed to say? Crosses overs sometimes as well, and the author,  myself,  is a prominent character in some chapters. Breaks too many rules to count. Enjoy!
1. Oscar Wilde?

_The scene is a café in Dublin, sometime between The Lost Colony and the Time Paradox. Characters so far: Artemis, Butler._

Artemis: Waiter! I demand you bring me Irish Spring Water!

Waiter: In a moment, sir, I must first serve this old gentleman here…

Old Gentleman There: In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing!

Artemis: Did you just quote Oscar Wilde at me?

Old Gentleman There: YES!

Artemis: This can't happen! I challenge you to a duel!

Butler: Um, Sir?

Old Gentleman There: You young scoundrel!

Artemis: STOP IT! *Picks up sword* AHHH!

*Trips, falls, stabs waiter in the foot.*

Waiter: Ah my foot.

Artemis: Why did you not say that with more pain? Like, all caps?

Waiter: Don't ask me, ask Riquez Oro.

Artemis: Hey Riquez Oro! Why didn't he have all caps?

Riquez Oro: My caps lock got stuck.

Artemis: You fool!

Riquez Oro: Don't insult me! I can make you do stupid things…

Artemis: Like what!

*Artemis gets up on table and starts moonwalking around the edge of it*

Butler: Um, sir, you are vulnerable to sniper fire on that table…

Artemis: LET ME DO-And it was Thrillah! Thrill-ah night!

Riquez Oro: :-D

Artemis: STOP I-Billie Jean, is not my lov-er…

Riquez Oro: Fine, I'll stop. Wait, why are you talking about me anyway?

Artemis: Anyway… I need to order. WAITER!

Old Gentleman There: He had to go put some ice on his foot.

Artemis: Curses.

Butler: Can we end this chapter?


	2. Two of them!

_The next day, at Fowl Manor._

Artemis: I have almost done it!

Butler: Done what?

Artemis: Found the key to getting back at the author!

Butler: The author? You mean, Riquez Oro?

Artemis: YES!

Butler: Ah, I see. Good luck.

Artemis: Here we go!

*Riquez Oro falls out out of a ceiling vent*

Riquez Oro: What! How did I get up there!

Artemis: I hacked and put you there!

Riquez: You can't do that!

Artemis: Well, I did!

Riquez: I am emailing customer support immediately!

Artemis: Butler! Take his laptop!

Riquez: Too late.

*Butler and Artemis are suddenly both inside a cage*

Riquez: HA HA!

Artemis: IMPOSSIBLE!

Riquez: No more impossible then me appearing in a vent! Anyway, time to do something cool!

*Vortex appears in the floor, and another Riquez Oro comes out.*

Riquez #2: Where am I?

Riquez: In my Artemis Fowl Parody!

Riquez #2: Cool!

Riquez: I am about to summon Opal Koboi to deal with these two.

Riquez #2: But, that's evil!

Riquez: I guess you are right. Ah, well. I can still use you to get out of school!

Riquez #2: NOOO!

*Riquezes 1 and 2 disappear, as does the cage.

Artemis: I was just uncharacteristically silent! What gives!


	3. No balls?

Artemis: I want to have a party!

Butler: What kind of party, sir?

Artemis: A ball!

Butler: Sir, I am afraid the Fowl family does not have balls.

Artemis: Don't be ridiculous! We would have ceased to exist a long time ago, were that true!

Butler: I was referring to the other definition of balls, sir. Not the one you are referring to.

Artemis: I see. Well, we are indeed having a ball!

Butler: Yes, sir.

Artemis: I will invite all of the fairies, and they can blend in because it will be a costume ball!

Butler: I shall go call them on the phone.

*Butler takes out his phone.*

Operator: Operator, can I help you?

Butler: Could I please get a connection to LEPRecon headquarters?

Operator: I am not supposed to be able to do that...

Riquez Oro: SHUT UP I'm on a ROLL!

Operator: I think I can put you through. It is long distance, though...

Butler: Fine.

Foaly: Hello, this is Joes Pizza Shack, waddaya want?

Butler: Wait, what?

Riquez Oro: Sorry, typo.

Foaly: This is LEPRecon! What's up?

Butler: Artemis wants to have a ball.

Foaly: I thought the Fowls didn't have balls.

Butler: I know, but he is still having one. He wants you and Holly and Trouble and No. 1.

Foaly: Fine. We will come!


	4. Warning: Literary Cliches

Artemis: I hope the guests will arrive soon.

Butler: Perhaps you do, but this ball presents signifigant risks.

Artemis: Here comes a shuttle.

Butler: How can you tell? You aren't wearing any glasses...

Artemis: ...

Butler: Well?

Artemis: I can't see it anymore... Something's up...

Butler: Perhaps this is more meddling from the author...

Artemis: I might have to do more hacking.

Butler: Are you sure that is wise, sir?

Artemis: The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.

Butler: More Oscar Wilde?

Artemis: I am quite aware of the fact.

*Butlers phone beeps, he checks it.*

Butler: Two small blips coming into the grounds.

Artemis: Airborne or groundbound?

Butler: Groundbound. Moving at just above walking speed.

Artemis: Size?

Bulter: Pixie sized, approximately.

Artemis: It must be Opal Kobois henchmen!

Butler: The blips have entered the house... Losing radar signals.

*The sky darkens, and lightning flashes outside the windows.*

Artemis: It seems that poetic licence has overidden the laws of nature. Yet again.

Butler: Shall I contact the weather channel? Surely the people of Dublin would benefit from having a heads up as to this mysterious storm?

Artemis: Butler... Since when do we care about other people?

Butler: Perhaps we should concentrate less on moral dilemmas and more on the odd shadow that just passed behind you?

Artemis: I am sure that it is nothing but another literary cliche. This chapter seems to contain many of them.

Butler: Down. Now. *Pulls out gun.* Show yourself!

Mysterious Literary Cliche: Is that any way to treat family?

Artemis: Could this mysterious literary cliche be... My brother?

Myles: Obviously. I is nearly as devious as you!

Artemis: Is the misuse of that verb an attempt to portray you as jeuvenile?

Myles: ...I never thought to analyze it in that way.

Artemis: How could such a thing happen!

Butler: More importantly, where is Beckett?

Myles: He's with... We were...

Artemis: Who?

Myles: I'll never tell you! You are soon to become mentally unsound!

Artemis: How? This is written just after the book "The Lost Colony"! I could understand reading ONE book ahead, but TWO is just ridiculous! I ask you again, brother. Who is influencing you?

Myles: He watches over us all... He controls everything we do... He sees our future...

Artemis: Larry King?

Myles: No... The author, Riquez Oro.

Artemis: I should have guessed he was behind this! all the mediocre literary cliches in this work SCREAM Riquez Oro.

Butler: But, where is Beckett?

Myles: You shouldn't worry about Beckett, the worst he can do is clout you with a skateboard.

Artemis: What does-OUCH!

Becket: Do you like my cool board DUDE?

Artemis: Dude. This is horriffic. Terrible. Aweful. A Fowl just uttered the word... dude.

Becket: Muahahahahahahahahaa!

Myles: Muahahahahahahahahaa!

Butler: I suppose Riquez Oro also taught you good evil laugh.

Myles: Indeed.

Becket: Can we put on costumes now?

Myles: Yes. Our real purpose here are to attend the costume party!

Artemis: My head hurts too much from your atrocious verb use and slang to argue. Fine. 


	5. Brisingr Fail

Magic Word FAIL

Note that the reason this is not in crossover is that it crosses over too many books, and it's part of one fanfiction.

Artemis: Ah, here is the fairy shuttle. Just skimming in to land. Wait... what? There is a... DRAGON attacking it!

Butler: Someone is... riding the dragon, sir. I can see him through my binoculars!

Artemis: Binoculars! Your allowance will run out very fast if you're not more careful about how you spend it.

Butler: Sir, perhaps you should concentrate on my imaginary financial constraints less and more on the large, blue dragon behind us.

Myles: RUN!

Beckett: Coughs look like anchovies.

*Both run away.*

Artemis: There goes our human shield.

Butler: How completely evil of you!

Artemis: Why do you even care?

Butler: Why are we even discussing this with a great blue dragon looming over us?

*Awkward silence*

Butler: I'll get my armour and mace.

*Butler sprays the dragon with mace*

*Dragon swats Butler sideways into the wall.*

Mysterious dragon rider: I come for the head of Artemis Fowl!

Artemis: You're barely bigger than me. Can you even lift a sword?

Mysterious dragon rider: I don't need to cross swords with you, fiend! BRISINGR!

Artemis: How embarassing this must be for you.

*Pulls out micro-uzi* BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG

Eragon: Woe is me! I die!

*Dies. Dragon dies too.*

Butler: Ow... Perhaps I used the wrong mace.

Artemis: Ow... I underestimated the kick from that gun you gave me. My nose is bleeding!

*Large red dragon corpse falls out of the sky*

Artemis: AHHH!

Butler: It appears to have been shot with lasers. The fairies must not take kindly to giant dragons chasing them.

Artemis: But... what is the meaning of this! Why are there other people in this story! I sense more meddling...

*Riquez Oro slides down the banister*

Riquez: Do you like my fedora?

Artemis: No.

Butler: What is going on?

Riquez: It's not my fault! There is a war going on!

Artemis: What war?

Riquez: The inheretance cycle is trying to become more popular than Artemis Fowl on the Fan Fiction web site!

Artemis: I shall look at this site on my iphone 5!

Butler: What place is AF in right now anyway?

Riquez: Fifteenth. Inheritance cycle is next after that, and...

Artemis: Animorphs and Vampire Academy are next!

Riquez: You got on the site...

Artemis: Yes, and I'm reading this chapter! Next, butler is going to suggest we attack the next two books up the list to stay dominant.

Butler: Why don't we attack the next two books up the list?

Riquez: The iphone 5 must have pretty fast download speed.

Artemis: It actually can download faster than you write, which is why I'm reading our story a tiny bit before you write it.

Riquez: Gah, time traveling phones make my head hurt. So, I'm leaving to go polish my fedora collection. Have fun my children.

Butler: Polish?

*Riquez vanishes in a fedora shaped puff of smoke*

Artemis: We must plan our invasion of the Animorphs series now!

Butler: But, what of the ball?

Artemis: We shall lure them to the ball... Say it is an animal costume ball. They won't be able to resist!

Butler: If you say so, sir.


	6. Excessive Goats Delivered

Excessive goats delivered

Artemis: First off, we must figure out how to get into the lives of characters from other books... How do we do that?

Butler: Perhaps the fairies will help us, when they land?

Artemis: Conveniently, the fairy ship has just landed. How fortunate.

Holly: Did you see that dragon!

Butler: Yes, and we had our own to deal with as well.

Root: We sure blasted it though!

Artemis: I hate to be rude, but aren't you dead?

Root: Oh, yes, I am. Sorry, completely forgot. I'll just be going...

Artemis: Moving right along then...

Holly: I take it we aren't having a ball?

Artemis: We might, but only if it's a trap for teenagers with the ability to morph into any animal they touch.

Butler: They also fight aliens.

Holly: Then lets ally ourselves with the aliens, shall we?

Butler: Sounds good.

Artemis: By the way, Holly, how are you? Eye'm pretty good.

Holly: Eye'm well, thanks.

Butler: ... Can we just go?

Artemis: Fine, we will save the eye related humour for later.

Holly: Back to the ship.

Artemis: Now that we are at altitude, I am finding it easy to contact the aliens.  
I just have to establish a single link...

Alien: Go hump a duck.

Butler: Your dictionary is upside down.

Alien: What do you want?

Holly: We need your help destroying the morphing creatures.

Alien: We are already destroying them.

Artemis: But, apparently you haven't been successful.

Alien: ...

Butler: Will you help us?

Alien: What do you need?

Artemis: We need you to send a psychic message to the morphlings, telling them to come to a big fancy animal costume ball.

Alien: You really think that's going to injure Indian technicians?

Butler: What?

Alien: Sorry, think that's going to be good enough?

Holly: It's all we've got.

Alien: Fine. Terminating link.

Artemis: After all my hard work getting it!

Bulter: It'll be okay.

Holly: Lets land this shuttle and await their arrival.

Butler: Aren't you the one driving?

Holly: Um... Of course... Yeah...

Butler: From the passenger cabin?

Holly: It's a new technique okay!

Artemis: Butler, call the goat man. We are going to need an immediate delivery...

Butler: Goats, Artemis?

Artemis: Enough to fill Fowl Manor!

Butler: Shall I also call the cleaning staff?

Artemis: *Cough* That would be adviseable.

Holly: Here we are, right on your driveway.

Butler: The goat truck is here already.

Artemis: So fast?

Butler: They do operate from across the street, sir.

Holly: I'm shielding. You talk to him.

Artemis: You the goat man?

Goat man: Tell me, kid, what does my truck say?

Artemis: How dare you! I am a criminal mastermind!

Goat man: Whatever.

Butler: The truck says: GOAT CO. EXCESSIVE GOATS DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR.

Goat man: Exactly. Now, who will sign for this delivery?

Artemis: I will, you ungreatful little...

Goat man: Little? *Kicks Artemis*

Butler: Don't do that. *Kicks Goat Man*

Goat man: OUCH! JUST SIGN!

Butler: Here, signed.

Goat man: The goats are already inside. OW! I think you broke my leg!

Artemis: Alright, I will go inspect the goats.

Butler: Here's a coupon for 50% off a leg cast at Beumont Hospital.

Goat man: Ouch ouch ouch thank you ouch ouch ouch.

*Drives away*

Butler: He'll never make it.

Holly: Why?

Butler: The foot he needs to operate the brakes is broken from my kick.

Artemis: The goats are quite in order. Now we must await the arrival of these morphing teenagers.

Butler: Someone is approaching.

Marco: Hey! We're here for the ball!

Holly: I have a sudden urge to crack a ball joke, but SOME PEOPLE think they're old and dumb.

Artemis: Because they are.

Bulter: Welcome! Can you introduce me to your friends?

Marco: Okay, big scary dude. I'm Marco, and this is Cassie, Jake, Rachel, and Tobias.

Butler: Come inside. *They go inside*

Artemis: Most of them seem okay, but that Marco... his tanned complexion and gorilla-esque muscles make me feel insecure.

Holly: Aw, poor Ah-temis.

Butler: *Pokes head out door* If you want to see, hurry up!

Artemis: We're coming, we're coming.

Holly: Look at all of these GOATS!

Artemis: Which ones are the animorphs?

Butler: I don't know!

Artemis: Then it's time to... Kill some goats...

Holly: That's horrible! How can you murder innocent creatures!

Artemis: With high-powered automatic weapons.

Holly: That's not what I meant! It's evil, Artemis!

Artemis: Actually, it's quite relaxing. You should try it!

Holly: Just this once.

*Both cross to closet and pick large guns from a very sinister looking rack*

Artemis: Die goats!

*All three open fire on goats*

Butler: I think now, that we are in no danger from Eragon or Animorphs!

Artemis: I agree!

Holly: You're right, Artemis, that IS relaxing.

Artemis: There is only one thing left to do in this chapter...

Butler: What is that?

Artemis: GO TO THEIR LIMO AND EAT THE CONTENTS OF THE MINI-FRIDGE!

Holly: Only if it isn't meat.

*They go to the limo. Muffled laughing is heard from within*

Butler: Who is that?

*Door opens slowly...*

Riquez Oro: Hey there!

ArtemiS: YOU! What are you doing here!

Riquez Oro: Just chillin, man. No need to go crazy.

Artemis: Where is your Fedora?

Lissa: I have it! *Giggles*

Riquez: Lissa has it.

*Both get out of limo*

Artemis: Who is Lissa?

Riquez: Your long lost sister!

Artemis: You son of a...

Riquez: Just kidding. She's some vampire chick.

Artemis: *Fumes* Whatever. Is there still some food left in the mini-fridge?

Lissa: Plenty of it.

Riquez: Can I have my purple fedora back now?

*Both vanish in a purple fedora shaped puff of smoke.

Holly: I'm still hungry.

Butler: Shall I rip the fridge out of the limo?

Artemis: Posthaste! 


	7. Vampire Academy

Aboard an LEP ship heading for Vampire Academy.

Artemis: What are you looking at, Holly?

Holly: The controls of the ship...

Artemis: No, the list on your central screen.

Holly: It's just a readout.

Artemis: ...Nope! It's a list of... Internet slang?

Holly: We missed three whole years of it! I want to catch up even if you don't.

Artemis: It's ridiculous. One of these words is... Frontin!

Butler: That is, to put up a front, and pretend to be something you're not.

Artemis: How on earth would you know that?

Butler: I have a teenaged sister, Artemis.

Holly: We are nearing our destination of Montana.

BANG!

Holly: Our shield has been penetrated!

Artemis: By what?

Butler: Judging from the blast pattern I can see from the window, a buckshot round.

Artemis: Can we still fly?

Holly: We shouldn't even be damaged, but this seems like a literary device to me.

Butler: Literary devices are quite dangerous.

Artemis: Will we be able to land?

Holly: It will probably be a stereotypical crash landing, but yes.

Artemis: Buckshot... Hmmm... Sounds vaguely Texan.

Butler: Never mention them. I had a bad experience with a Texan once.

Artemis: Who was this Texan?

Butler: Someone who was rather important until two years ago. Then he sank into obscurity.

Holly: And you had a falling out with him?

Butler: Yes, he attempted to steal some olive oil from me that I used to make a certain delicious dip.

Artemis: He stole your oil? Did he steal oil often?

Butler: Oh, yes.

Holly: Only 100 feet to the ground!

CRASH!

BANG!

Butler: Another buckshot round.

Holly: I'm getting my laser!

Artemis: shall I open the door?

Butler: Go ahead...

Holly: Drop your weapon, sir!

Butler: It's the Texan!

BANG!

Texan: What does this ship run on?

Artemis: A clean nuclear battery.

Texan: CLEAN nuclear battery? I have no need of this.

BANG!

Holly: Stop shooting in our general direction!

Butler: I know this guy, I brought this just in case. I'll throw this can of oil over there!

Artemis: That will work?

Butler: FETCH!

Texan: OIL! *Runs into a bush*

Holly: That's literarily ironic!

Artemis: Literarily?

Holly: He's inside himself, in a way. It's such a... WIN!

Artemis: You are never allowed to read that list of internet slang ever again.

Butler: Lets head for the Academy before he burns that oil and comes to get more.

Holly: Right, right. It looks like the academy is down this convenient road.

Artemis: Oh, my, a large wrought iron gate. However shall we bypass it?

Butler: I'm going to shoot out the lock.

BANG!

Holly: How will we fight these vampires? Don't we need, stakes or something?

Artemis: I never eat red meat.

Butler: Artemis is right. It causes all manner of health issues.

Holly: S T A K E. Made of wood. Pointy.

Artemis: OH!

Butler: I never understood why only stakes would kill them. An AA-12 would blast them into a few hundred bite sized pieces.

Artemis: Bite sized?

Holly: You don't think people will get tired of you blasting characters from other books into oblivion with automatic weapons?

Artemis: Quite right, quite right. However, I would like to point out that any repeated events in this story aren't our fault.

Riquez Oro: Message recieved...

Butler: I feel a sudden urge to throw my gun into that bush.

Holly: As do I.

Artemis: But he already has a shotgun!

*Both throw their weapons at Bush*

Artemis: Well... If we kidnapped the protagonists and imprisoned then in the basement, it would certainly decrease the popularity of the series.

Holly: Meh.

Artemis: Please stop.

Butler: Here come some vampires. Should we run?

Holly: They seem to be teenage girls.

Artemis: Running might not be necessary.

Girl 1: OH MY GOSH!

Girl 2: ARTEMIS FOWL!

Artemis: Run! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Holly: To the dormitory! We're after... Rose Hathaway!

Butler: Turn left!

BANG BANG!

Holly: That would be the Texan.

Butler: I have no more oil on me. Hurry up!

Artemis: That looks like the right room!

Holly: I'll guard the door! Butler, go get her!

Artemis: Abduction is illegal in the state of Montana!

Butler: We'll be in North Dakota soon, so don't worry!

Rose: MH HM MH HM!

Holly: So you had duct tape but not enough oil?

Artemis: Hurry up, those fans are coming!

Butler: What about the other protagonist, Lissa?

Holly: She was in a limo, being kidnapped by the author, last we saw her.

Riquez: NO! FYI, SHE kidnapped my purple fedora!

Artemis: Here's the shuttle!

Holly: It's shielded, how did you know it was there?

*Rubs forehead* Just a hunch...

Butler: Inside, quickly! Before...

BANG!

Artemis: It's bush!

Holly: Why is he even in Montana?

Butler: Holly, take off!

Artemis: Because, of course, our ship wasn't damaged in the crash landing.

Holly: Cruising altitude reached. We are safe.

Rose: HM MH HM MH!

Artemis: Butler, would you like to play parcheesi?

Buter: I can barely move in here. 


	8. The Final Chapter

The Final Chapter

The Fowl kitchen, early morning.

Holly: What shall we do with our prisoner?

Artemis: That's not important. What we really need to do is figure out what we're going to do with the final chapter.

Butler: We really don't have a choice in the matter, just to remind you.

*Riquez Oro walks in the back door*

Riquez Oro: Quite right. Butler, please make me some cucumber sandwitches.

Butler: Yes, sir.

Artemis: You can't do that! He's my Butler!

Riquez: Involved in slavery now, are we Artemis?

Holly: I don't think...

Riquez: Meh, idc.

Holly: Did you read that list too?

Riquez: Of course! Only a total idiot wouldn't stay on top of the current slang!

Artemis: Ahem, Riquez, what do you propose we do with Miss Hathaway?

Riquez: Oh, I'm not nearly drunk enough to write another chapter right now.

Butler: Shall I add an extra ingredient to the sandwitches?

Riquez: You know, that would be admirable.

Artemis: So, Riquez, what made you want to write about us? Lets have the thing out at once.

Riquez: Have the thing out at once? My dear Arty, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.

Holly: More Oscar Wilde?

Riquez: Yes. It appears that I am indeed drunk enough to write this chapter. However,  
I will still take the sandwitches, as they are delicious and no doubt contain some excellent halucinogens.

Butler: Indeed they do.

Riquez: I will take my leave now. It has been a pleasure irritating you.

*Riquez vanishes in a sandwitch shaped puff of smoke*

Holly: I really must learn how to do that.

Artemis: Irritating... At least he recognises it.

Butler: But, back to our current predicament.

Holly: Yes, we can't just leave her in the basement forever.

Artemis: I don't see why not.

Butler: It s evil. Even though you don t really develop a desire to help others for another two books, I don t want to allow you to do this.

Holly: It s extremely bad for our reviews!

Artemis: Fine. We ll dip her in crude and give her to the Texan!

Butler: Hardly better.

Holly: But, it is an improvement. Not much of an improvement, but still

Artemis: So

Butler: I don t really care. Just being uncharacteristically emotional.

Holly: Well, it seems we are out of space, gentlemen.

Artemis: This ridiculous parody ends now.

Butler: Time for some Beethoven, I think, or Bach.

*Music plays from the stereo*

Artemis: Yes, an armadillo story. 


	9. Epilogue

Epilogue - AFF09

I wrote the first chapter of this story quite some time ago, probably several years.  
In around February, I was surfing the net during my business class and found it again. I started laughing so hard that I had to stop and read it later. I decided to finish it. I removed the original from the site, edited it, and put it back up. Immidiately, it got some great reviews. Thanks, by the way. :-D Anyhow, it's been a lot of fun writing it for you. I had to consume a lot of alchohol for it,  
though. Ah, well. It wasn't that bad, really.

Now, if you hate advertising, skip the next paragraph.

The Artemis Fowl books... I haven't actually read them for quite some time. But, I decided to finish this fanfiction because I recognized a lot of potential for epicness in the characters, and the fact that they all have a similar sense of humour as myself. So, now, eight chapters later, with the story a "sleeper hit"  
it's finally time to switch it from "in-progress" to "complete." Quite sad.

Ahaa! This is the advertising paragraph, not the previous one! But, now, you've started, so you have to finish it! You've lost the game, face it. Anyways, I'm going to be writing either an HMC, Leviathan Series, or Airbort Trilogy fanfiction or parody, and it's going to be written in a similar style. So, if this made you laugh, either follow me as an author, or at least check my page from time to time, eh? So now, I bid you farewell.

-  
RO 


End file.
